May 31, 2011

Impact of Anger

Anger and Damage  

  • There is nothing more destructive than anger. It destroys our peace and happiness in this life.
  • Impels us to engage in negative actions that lead to untold suffering in future lives.
  • Whenever we develop anger, our inner peace immediately disappears and even our body becomes tense and uncomfortable.
  • Anger is by nature a painful state of mind.
  • It causes restless, find it nearly impossible to fall asleep, and whatever sleep one manages to get is not good and it is unrefreshing.
  • One cannot enjoy when  angry, and even the food taken seems  unpalatable.
  • Anger transforms even a normally attractive person into an ugly red-faced demon.
  • One grows more and more miserable, and, no matter how hard one tries one cannot control their emotions.
  • Harmful effects of anger are that it robs us of our reason and good sense.
  • Wishing to retaliate against those whom we think have harmed us, we expose ourself to great personal danger merely to exact petty revenge.
  • To get ones own back for perceived injustices or slights, one is prepared to jeopardize job, relationships, and even the well being of family and children.
  • Freedom of choice is lost, driven here and there by an uncontrollable rage. Sometimes this blind rage is even directed at the loved ones and benefactors.
 It is no wonder that an habitually angry person is soon avoided by all who know him. This unfortunate victim of his own temper is the despair of those who formerly loved him, and eventually finds himself abandoned by everyone.

Anger and Relationships

Anger is particularly destructive in relationships. When we live in close contact with someone, our personalities, priorities, interests, and ways of doing things frequently clash. Since we spend so much time together, and since we know the other person’s shortcomings so well, it is very easy for us to become critical and short-tempered with our partner and to blame him or her for making our life uncomfortable.

Why is it important to Deal with Anger in Relationships

In a close relationship, opportunities to get angry arise many times a day, so to prevent the build-up of bad feelings we need to deal with anger as soon as it begins to arise in our mind. We clear away the dishes after every meal rather than waiting until the end of the month, because we do not want to live in a dirty house nor be faced with a huge, unpleasant job. In the same way, we need to make the effort to clear away the mess in our mind as soon as it appears, for if we allow it to accumulate it will become more and more difficult to deal with, and will endanger our relationship

A couple may genuinely love one another, but if they frequently get angry with each other the times when they are happy together will become fewer and further between. Eventually there will come a point when before they have recovered from one row the next has already begun.

 We should remember that every opportunity to develop anger is also an opportunity to develop patience. Unless we make a continuous effort to deal with anger as it arises, our relationship will suffer.

Understanding the Emotion Anger

What is Anger?

1.       Anger is a strong emotion of displeasure caused by some type of grievance that is either real or perceived to be real by a person. Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD
2.       The cognitive behavior theory attributes anger to several factors such as past experiences, behavior learned from others, genetic predispositions, and a lack of problem-solving ability.
3.       To put it more simply, anger is caused by a combination of two factors: an irrational perception of reality ("It has to be done my way") and a low frustration point ("It's my way or no way"). Anger is an internal reaction that is perceived to have a external cause.
4.       Angry people almost always blame their reactions on some person or some event, but rarely do they realize that the reason they are angry is because of their irrational perception of the world. Angry people have a certain perception and expectation of the world that they live in and when that reality does not meet their expectation of it, then they become angry.
5.      It is important to understand that not all anger is unhealthy. Anger is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms that protects and motivates us from being dominated or manipulated by others. It gives us the added strength, courage, and motivation needed to combat injustice done against us or to others that we love.


It is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion.

When Anger gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. If it is left uncontrolled and free to take over the mind and body at any time, then anger becomes destructive

How is Anger Identifyed?

  1. Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness, which in turn arise whenever we meet with unpleasant circumstances. Whenever we are prevented from fulfilling our wishes, or forced into a situation we dislike – in short, whenever we have to put up with something we would rather avoid – our uncontrolled mind reacts by immediately feeling unhappy. This uncomfortable feeling can easily turn into anger, and we become even more disturbed than before.
  2. Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness, which in turn arise whenever we meet with unpleasant circumstances.The other main reason we become unhappy and angry is because we are faced with a situation we do not want or like.
  3.  Every day we encounter hundreds of situations we do not like, from stubbing our toe or having a disagreement with our partner, to discovering that our house has burnt down or that we have cancer; and our normal reaction to all of these occurrences is to become unhappy and angry.
  4. However, try as we might, we cannot prevent unpleasant things happening to us. We cannot promise that for the rest of the day nothing bad will happen to us; we cannot even promise that we shall be alive to see the end of the day.
  5. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.

May 20, 2011

Relationship Break Ups and Coping Mechanisms

At our help desk we often receive calls from people who are trying to cope with their heartbreak at the end of a relationship, and they usually look absolutely anguished and shocked.
Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in your chest that often, without warning, explodes into lacerating pain.
Indeed it's so painful that many people feel they cannot tolerate the agony – and that is one reason why so many rejected people keep hoping against hope that their partner will return and all will be well
Breakups can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. The loss of your relationship can bring on intense heartache.

Problems encountered

  1. Having trouble concentrating in your life.
  2. The person you were in relationship with determines everything about you.
  3. Hate every song you hear on the radio, TV/place, memoirs /eateries visited together because it reminds of relationship.
  4. Getting appetite back
  5. Crying all the time and wishing the relationship to work.
  6. Trying to make frantic contacts.
  7. Friends and family don't seem to understand how bad the feeling is
  8. Procastinating and Considering  all the reasons why the relatiohsip failed
  9. Trying to blame self.

  1. Lowers self-esteem and   it makes he/she feel unworthy even if you are a great person.
2.      One does not realize that there is Fine line between love and hate. This line is what your life depends on. The longer you keep bad ex memories the more you lower your self esteem.
3.       The memories always reduce body appetite.
4.       People feel tense; hence their blood vessels constrict which causes them to be nervous.
5.       Causes people to feel self conscious, feeling like something is wrong with them.
6.       The more you think about the matter the more chances you get sick both physically and mentally.
7.       The effect of break up or divorce causes more damage in your head than you can think.

But if you're looking for some help getting through it and want some suggestions about how to make it a little easier, read on.. Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively.

  1. Break the skewed thinking: After a relationship ends often one feels that “ why me only, 'And that's it for me. I'll never find anyone else. And no one else will ever love me or I can never have any more relationships'. telling yourself that your romantic life is over is not at all helpful. It just compounds the misery, and sends very demoralizing messages to the brain. If you do, you're actually just overloading your brain with misery and its already overburdened.
  2. Accepting it's really over: A step towards a new positive future is to finally accept that your ex-partner has gone and will not be coming back. Remove the reminders of Relationship, Minimise contacts,
  3. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship : You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever
  4. Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time.
  5. Talk about how you’re feeling – Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Journaling/Writing down can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings
  6. Don’t go through this alone. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help/professional counselling if you need it. Their presence and support can help you  heal faster.
  7. Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
  8. Reprogram your mind.Examine your beliefs about relationship and correct any wrong misconceptions. You attract what you believe and what you fear most. If your mind constantly thinks you will always be a failure then  you will be. Change your thought patterns and expect happiness and rewarding experience when positive relationships  knocks at your door again.
  9. Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
  10. Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones
  11. Connect yourself with supreme power you belove in ie  God and let Him guide and lead you.
  12. Filling your life with activities that you enjoy - creative, playful, sociable, soulful activities - are all ways to nurture yourself back to health.

We understand that after relationship ends one can feel unbearably hard but please let yourself know that you won't always feel this way and in the meantime let yourself grieve your losses fully. You will feel stronger and lighter for having done so.